I have felt that to.....

Today was a hard day, but to be honest it has been one of many hard days in  the past few months or for that matter the past few years. I have brought many things on my heart before the lap of my father, with no little weight behind them.
Work has been scarce.Ministry has been sparse and in my thinking, shallow in terms of limiting my ability.
  I had thought the doors would open wide when I moved to Tennessee, God had showed me a vision, and because of it, I had thought the receiving hearts would be vast and that in some way God would use me through Him to inspire and to touch peoples lives .. Instead I have ministered in odd situations and in limited ways, either being asked to sing, or asked to testify, but not so much to preach.
 Disappointment and discouragement are not a good trade in for leaving family and friends I loved  nor for struggling greatly in finances, and nither are battling disaproval or being treated poorly by loved peers and lost friends.
Ever been so hurt by words said about you inflicted by those you love and trust that you just want to let go,give up, and leave them to the wreckage their verbal battery has caused?......" Yeah, I know I have felt that to."
Ever felt so tired of being verbally crushed, stepped on, walked over, treated abusively by those you loved and trusted, that you just want to give up on folks and call it quits in believing there is any worth in trusting another living soul?...."' Yeah, I know, I have felt that to".
Ever  been cast aside, rejected, ignored, or treated  as "less than" By your peers? "Yeah,  I know I have felt that to."
 There are times when this stuff hits you like a ton of bricks, and no matter how sturdy this Ole girls hide is, its not by any means, impenetrable. I have a heart and those shards of mean nasty do poke through and get to me.    If I could count the times  this past year I have wanted to just completely walk away, lick my wounds and head back to California, or even Wyoming( which I don't particularly care for its so ccccold!). it might just be shocking..lol, yet here I am.
 I have already given all I can think to give for ministry, leaving my family in Wyoming, traveling to new territory, being rejected, feeling many many times like an outcast and one with a fatal catchy disease ( womapreacheritus, be careful not to get any on you!)
 When I hear stories of my kids having  birthday parties or events,  and  missing the expressions of my little grandchildren while experiencing them, my heart aches tremendously, and I shake in these boots, and ask God again, WHY am I Here? When my son goes through heartbreaking circumstances, and I haven't the funds to get home to comfort him, I am devistated, and all my motherly instincts to protect and comfort, have to be shut down or self destruct... its a high Cost.
 I can fathom my Savior thinking along those lines while he prayed " Father,if its is your will let this cup pass from me"  This cup, a cup of bitterness, a cup of pain,  loss, and rejection, a cup of tears and great cost, a cup of death.
I can fathom his loneliness at not having a single friend who would pray with him in an hour he desperately needed that comfort,that peace, that good  counsel..and encountering silence.Tears so deep felt and  hurt so unfathomable that it ran down his cheeks in blood. I have wept very hard at the rejection I have felt, very deeply hurt at the rumors I have encountered,the unchangeable opinions that I endured, the abuse and the loneliness since setting my feet on Tennessee soil,, but not a single drop tinged red.
I can fathom walking lonely roads, to face a certain end, and looking side to side for those you love, and seeing no one. Yes, I can fathom that. But I cannot count it on my cross the same. because Jesus., my beautiful, beautiful Jesus, bore it unto death. Not because of loss, because of Love.
That is harder for me to get...  That even while those dear friends he has spent countless hours with left him to a lonely Golgathan road. Even while he pulled the last wisps of air from his lungs to tell a thief he would see heaven, Love saw past the crosses weight, past those hurts, past those disappointments, and saw me- and because of that kind of love I serve in a place where I am not well received- because HE is Amazing to me, I stay.
You see, It is not so much the cost of familiarity and family and friends, those things I knew would be hard-, its the struggle of all the stuff that disappoints, hurts, crushes, and maligns you, that I had not expected.. and yet he responds, " Yeah, I know I have felt that to"... When I run to him, weeping with this incredible heart break inside, and I say Jesus, it hurts, it aches, it has used me, abused me, crushed me, struck me down, sought my ruin, He  again answers,  " Yeah, I know I have felt that to"
Not once does the Lord say the cross of sacrifice will be lifted from those who have chosen to carry it, no rather you have a better understanding of the weight of souls because of sacrifice.. a better glimpse of love than some have it is this pivotal place, this compelling love, that makes you stay, when you want to run..but the arms of your comforter are still there to enfold you, and the words of his love still surround you in His grasp, soothing your soul and speaking, "Yes baby, I know,I  have felt that to...

No Greater Love has any man than this, to Give HIS life, for a friend...Amen.