After a year of pouring out my heart in messages on face book , hearing the leading of God, and many times not seeing much if any response, and even hearing many that were bent in rejection rather than a receiving of the message, I was ready to pack up the pc and call it done. I told my husband of my discouragement, and he tried to reason with me as he always does. " But Tara you just don't know who is reading this or how its touching them." I knew that was true but it was also part of the problem, I didn't know.
So I had planned to bring it to God in prayer. I took a week long sabbatical and told those who did keep up with me consistently, I was bringing the ministry I did on face book before God. I was so frustrated because there were times I so greatly felt Gods leading in a word, that the lack of interest actually hurt. God had spoken a clear word to me and through me, why was no one responding?
As I contemplated it, I also dealt with old beasts I had long tried to fight off, those seated in rejection and worthlessness. Oh I know I am leaving myself open here once again, as most would think that a believer should project perfect, as though once saved we never experience any of such as that, which is a lie.. The devil speaks to our insecurities, to deny we have any to me is the equivalent of saying were perfect, a role I believe belongs only to Jesus.
And just to be really REAL with ya all, to act as though we live spankin clean, unbelieveabley faultless lives is not only a lie, its actually opportunity for the devil to gain a foothold, because the last thing he wants is for us to show humility , allow ourselves to admit to be faulted, and seek our healing and restoration through God, no in fact he would much rather us live under the lie and never receive and become who we can truly be before our God. Food for thought.
So I came before God for all these things, and began too pray up a storm.. And I asked God to show me in some way that this tool was affective..
One day I got an email that changed my mode of thought completely concerning face book, and blog writing ministry- she will never know its impact, nor what good it did for my depleted sense of confidence in the ministry I did, but it was huge in my world never the less.
A woman had written me via private email about my withdrawing from writing, she said she had been reading my postings for a long while. She said she was sorry for never responding but that even so she still was a consistent follower. As she wrote she had said that she hoped I would not quit my face book ministry, as it had helped her a great deal, that she had been going through a divorce and was often discouraged and heartbroken, and my writings uplifted her, and held her accountable, and had gotten her through some really rough spots.
Yes I know... God answers prayer. :)
Wow! I was so encouraged by that letter, in fact to this day it is what pivoted my view and changed my mind on the powerful medium of face book on the internet, suddenly I was seeing it for its potential, and essentially that broke everything loose!
So many of the things I write begin with single thoughts, or a small glimpse of something and then God begins to pour out more and more understanding and before you know it I have a word picture, then the puzzle comes into clarity with a fever at some point, and my fingers can be heard across the room to this day, tap tap tapping away.
Rob knows to steer clear and let the girl go, because interfering with me mid stream just might be hazardous. :)
The other day I was going through some old messages I had written on my husbands page, I coursed through the message and glanced at the comments for which there were quite a few.
One said this, and I quote it because, well, it did my heart good to be reminded..
"Robin Bertram- Tara...I loved this! What damage we could do if we all realized a girl with a lap top can be dangerous to the kingdom of darkness...love ya!!!"( Again Thank You sweety, so glad you read what God gives me, so blessed you respond! oh and love ya to!!)
I am reminded of this scripture , only in this case its a pc speaking what Gods saying...
Psalm 45:1 My heart overflows with a good theme ( I so get that- whenever God speaks its a good theme!) I address my verses to the King, My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
I love to write, I love how God uses it for His Glory and to His Good. I love how he has made what seemed fallow ground ,fruitful, but that is after all, our God.
Listen I am just a little preacher girl with a ready writer for God. But I want to say this, never think that because you don't see purpose in your life, God doesn't have one. He uses a willing heart, he uses a broken vessel all cracked and chipped up like mine, he uses whom he chooses, and I was just thinking on this the other day, Ya know, some battles God used an army of millions, some of hundreds, some he had just a select few,and then after all that he has even been known to chose a warrior of ONE.
The armies were no less mighty warriors by any number, but its not beyond God to look through the mired of faces, and choose you and you alone to be the overcomer for his name sake.
So stand up and fight child of God now, Not later, Take authority, take dominion and stand in who you are in God, and who HE is in you. Go on get you! its High time, move it!
Father I pray you let this message restore a heart, remind and rekindle them, that they aren't meant to be sitters, but those who STAND in you. Let them know God who they are and How powerfully you can work through them! God I pray you will thoroughly wreck the enemies plan to take out your warriors of God via discouragement and disillusionment, MAY WE BECOME DANGEROUS, and take back the kingdom !!!! ;) AMEN
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Me I see
Yesterday Eve I drove home my heart heavy with concerns known only to me. I had been to church and asked for prayer over them, and felt some peace in so doing, but still there were some things weighing at me. I wept before God and prayed. I had already had a full day of bringing myself to Gods footstool and my restlessness was compounded by a distance I felt in my heart in hearing any response.
The house seemed lonely and still and I was weary from tears and a need to hear Gods voice.
The phone rang. Daddy inquiring if I had made the thirty minute drive home safely. Which of course I had. What came after was Gods voice to his hungry child through my parents, as we spoke for two hours on the phone.
It is ironic how God uses the simple things to confound the wise, and in the midst of talking to them I was finding some healing and some much needed peace.
Once upon a time I was a Godly girl, oh I still am, but now I am a different kind of Godly girl, one who fully comprehends the grace I am under. That girl of the past, weighed her life by her actions and how they were seen by others, she didn't know she did that, but, she did.
And, through tragedy, she had an epiphany. She was not perfect, not an example, and NOT extending Grace. Yup, that was me.
You see through heartache and loss I lost myself. utterly to be truthful, thank God.
I took a hard look into the mirror God set before me. a Very hard look, and even though for years I had cast an image of Christianity I felt portrayed me, it really didn't. God showed me that when I came before him repentive, suddenly the image got real. I had been judgemental, hurtful, spiteful, ugly even, my deeds and my heart had been Un- Christ like.
Wow was that painful. Wow was that beautiful to. Beautiful because I could see it, painful, because I could see it.
As I spoke to my parents, I was reminded of something( Thank You Lord) and that was God has brought me restoration. Lest I forget I need to be real with she who looks into the mirror.
You see we spoke on someone who had once been in my life, who has fallen into a life long struggle of addiction and self loathing.. I realized there was no pain in the recollection of them, no anger, no hurt, just calm peace and sorrow at their destruction..
And, to be honest, I could loath them equally as they had loathed themselves as they had caused great pain, but because God set a mirror before me I can see a soul, theirs, and mine.
Now then, I need to glance again at the reflection, who is in there?
Well, lol, not someone I was liking at the moment, not because I forgot grace yet again, but because I needed to remember from whence I had come.
I needed to remember what God has given me. What He has restored to me and how important all that is.
I can recall with clarity lovies every pain ever inflicted but it will never do a single bit of good, because the truth is, I need to let go.
I need to let go of things destructive for they serve NO purpose and only embitter and harm me. I need to let go of selfish actions, and bad behaviors that smudge the image of the girl before God, I need to let go of heartache and loss to, it doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is that when I look in the mirror I see Gods reflection in me.
One that can forgive others, One that can forgive myself, One that can love, and one that can Overcome. I need to see - Me.
I need to see me in the true light of God, not a smudged image I like to pretend is me, as though I am a young skinny supermodel looking back.. When the real me, is chubby and frankly getting old. The real me has some issues she needs to work through.
Here's the thing. I can look back at my past and at the things that have decidedly made me , me. And I can hate the becoming, or I can learn to adjust my thinking to love it so long as the image merges with truth.
My recollections of what others have done like the person I pity, need not mar me. But I do, need to thank God that I desire to see into the mirror.
Because the one who doesn't is truly most miserable, unforgiving, and lost. the one who refuses to see who they are before God, is destitute and desperately so.
Not gonna lie seeing me in the mirror as I truly am, can be ultra painful at times. I don't like it, I can look so ugly. But I have got to keep coming back, got to. I have got to let God clean up that image, by staring into it and seeing it- so that when it's done the reality it carves out looks like Jesus, not me.
Not my flesh, not my ache, not my nonsense, but Gods perfect indwelling peaceful image.
So here I am Lord scraping off the layers and giving me back to you. Don't let me pretend, don't let me bury hurt, don't let me hide in an image not of you, Because Lord, I don't like that person, I want to be in your likeness. help me God, to SEE more and more of you in Me. Amen, and forever Amen.
The house seemed lonely and still and I was weary from tears and a need to hear Gods voice.
The phone rang. Daddy inquiring if I had made the thirty minute drive home safely. Which of course I had. What came after was Gods voice to his hungry child through my parents, as we spoke for two hours on the phone.
It is ironic how God uses the simple things to confound the wise, and in the midst of talking to them I was finding some healing and some much needed peace.
Once upon a time I was a Godly girl, oh I still am, but now I am a different kind of Godly girl, one who fully comprehends the grace I am under. That girl of the past, weighed her life by her actions and how they were seen by others, she didn't know she did that, but, she did.
And, through tragedy, she had an epiphany. She was not perfect, not an example, and NOT extending Grace. Yup, that was me.
You see through heartache and loss I lost myself. utterly to be truthful, thank God.
I took a hard look into the mirror God set before me. a Very hard look, and even though for years I had cast an image of Christianity I felt portrayed me, it really didn't. God showed me that when I came before him repentive, suddenly the image got real. I had been judgemental, hurtful, spiteful, ugly even, my deeds and my heart had been Un- Christ like.
Wow was that painful. Wow was that beautiful to. Beautiful because I could see it, painful, because I could see it.
As I spoke to my parents, I was reminded of something( Thank You Lord) and that was God has brought me restoration. Lest I forget I need to be real with she who looks into the mirror.
You see we spoke on someone who had once been in my life, who has fallen into a life long struggle of addiction and self loathing.. I realized there was no pain in the recollection of them, no anger, no hurt, just calm peace and sorrow at their destruction..
And, to be honest, I could loath them equally as they had loathed themselves as they had caused great pain, but because God set a mirror before me I can see a soul, theirs, and mine.
Now then, I need to glance again at the reflection, who is in there?
Well, lol, not someone I was liking at the moment, not because I forgot grace yet again, but because I needed to remember from whence I had come.
I needed to remember what God has given me. What He has restored to me and how important all that is.
I can recall with clarity lovies every pain ever inflicted but it will never do a single bit of good, because the truth is, I need to let go.
I need to let go of things destructive for they serve NO purpose and only embitter and harm me. I need to let go of selfish actions, and bad behaviors that smudge the image of the girl before God, I need to let go of heartache and loss to, it doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is that when I look in the mirror I see Gods reflection in me.
One that can forgive others, One that can forgive myself, One that can love, and one that can Overcome. I need to see - Me.
I need to see me in the true light of God, not a smudged image I like to pretend is me, as though I am a young skinny supermodel looking back.. When the real me, is chubby and frankly getting old. The real me has some issues she needs to work through.
Here's the thing. I can look back at my past and at the things that have decidedly made me , me. And I can hate the becoming, or I can learn to adjust my thinking to love it so long as the image merges with truth.
My recollections of what others have done like the person I pity, need not mar me. But I do, need to thank God that I desire to see into the mirror.
Because the one who doesn't is truly most miserable, unforgiving, and lost. the one who refuses to see who they are before God, is destitute and desperately so.
Not gonna lie seeing me in the mirror as I truly am, can be ultra painful at times. I don't like it, I can look so ugly. But I have got to keep coming back, got to. I have got to let God clean up that image, by staring into it and seeing it- so that when it's done the reality it carves out looks like Jesus, not me.
Not my flesh, not my ache, not my nonsense, but Gods perfect indwelling peaceful image.
So here I am Lord scraping off the layers and giving me back to you. Don't let me pretend, don't let me bury hurt, don't let me hide in an image not of you, Because Lord, I don't like that person, I want to be in your likeness. help me God, to SEE more and more of you in Me. Amen, and forever Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)