Faith in action

Faith seems easy  to define- easy to comprehend. But ,in truth its an easier thought than it is an action. I was speaking to a brother in the Lord just yesterday and the conversation turned to why is it, some seem to be so blessed or at least untroubled,and they may not have a walk with God that is of surrender- they may not even have a relationship with God at all, Why do they see less hardships, than a believer such as my friend and I , walking out Gods will, believing him and surrendiering to Him, and yet-struggling to survive. I don't have the answer to that. I only know that the word promises the righteous won't be forsaken.
When we go through trying times, hard times, times of heartbreak and struggle, it can feel like God has forgotten or left us behind. Faith is strained, and the true test of it comes to light. Do I believe God, when I have to decide between buying staples that are needed, and keeping the electricity on.? Do I believe he loves, cares for, and supports me even when I cannot see those things currently in my life.
Well, I have found many who are not going through such hardships, quickly respond "Oh yes, I know God will supply," and many times, they offer pat answers, and judgemental observerations as to why your needs are not being met, and as to why  they think that your heart must not be in the right place.
Frankly it is exceedingly easy to respond well to trial when your not the one  in it or under it.
I turn back to the the Israelites as they walked through the desert- they had provision, water, manna, but after the day to day struggle of dessert heat-of being footsore and weary, even the things that were a blessing, in light of what they had known of comfort in Egypt, became, well- forgotten.
  Guess what? I crave an oreo now and then- or a Krispy Kreme donut,  I like socks without holes, and I could really use  some new clothes- and yes lovie, I have food in the pantry, not a ton, but enough to keep on keeping on for a little longer, but will it keep me from desiring a Krispy Kreme,a good steak, or a trip to the mall for some bath bubbles and a new outfit, no.
I comprehend that trials come, that God provides, but not much unlike my forefathers walking through the desert, I get tired of just manna and crave things I cannot have and have not seen for some time. I suppose to some that makes me ungrateful, I dont think it does, I think it just makes me human . I believe my ancient counter parts believed God, and saw his hand, and while there have been times in my life where I thought I would never act as ungrateful as the people following Moses in the desert, but- from this vantage point, I can now comprehend, want.
Heres the thing though my faith is tried, not because I believe God has abandoned me, not because I believe some unconfessed sin has held me captive( Believe me you go through something like this,and like Job, you throw everything but the kitchen sink at God, in considering what may keep you from his blessing, you dont leave a stone uncovered and you dont leave anything shoved under a rug, because frankly aint nobody wants to stay in a miserable place for this long..so no, there isn't any un-repented sin) I dont even believe my faith is tried at this point because the devil is persecuting me,not when I have a big God who could easily and readily come to my defense opts not to, sorry, not buying it. No beloved.,I am where I am because the Lord himself wants me to be here.
So what do I do from here?
Well, I look at it deeper. I look at it from an outsider view, that isn't tainted by perspectives of selfishness, or judgementalness. I look at it from a Gospel view.
See my Father asked me  many moons ago, if I would be willing to sacrifice all to follow Him. And I told him yes. Without thinking or pondering, or weighing it, I said yes.Know why? Because even though I had understood some hardship I had yet to walk a dessert. mmm. yep.  I understood sacrifice and commitment from a faith in thought view, not a faith in action one.
And, here I am. Suddenly I comprehend, Job having lost everything, plagued by illness, hurt by those he loved and trusted. I comprehend Jobs heart and mindset-. I See David, alone in a cave, weeping at loss, pained by his own sin, repentive, remorseful, helpless at times,and boardering hopeless, yet turning to God  again and again,asking for help, leaning in to the only company He had , God and God alone. I Comprehend.
I understand the Israelites, knowing a God of fearsome power, and complete mercy, of provision, and of guidance, yet at times while staring at yet another loaf of manna , and asking God "IS THIS IT? " Oh yes, I comprehend.
See we say we will carry the cross of Christ, and we fashion a set of wood, nail it together and we walk a mile on a public roadway, and say, there you go Lord, I carried it, but we in truth, gave nothing of lifetime of commitment in that, we barely broke a sweat, we did not feel blood trickle down our cheeks, we did not feel the splineters of rejection and betrayal, we did not touch the sins of a world lost, we did not bare it to death, we meerly, carried two by fours.
The reality is this beloved, when we make a promise to the Lord, we must weigh what we have promised, and realize, our FAITH will be tested, not because we are big toys on a chestboard, but because God has our GOOD in mind. Hard to fathom lovies, hard to believe in the midst of suffering , persecution, loss, that our Good is in mind, but it is.
How can I say that? ahhhh beloved, because I have Faith. Not faith in words, faith in FIRE. Faith in TROUBLE, Faith in HUNGER, Faith in LOSS. Faith in HEARTACHE. Faith in LONELYNESS.
When I look at the cross Jesus asked me to carry, I realize he wasn't being figuritive, he was telling me something deeper, something I couldn't comprehend without actually going through fire, and harship, and trial, and judgement, and betrayal, the cross has weight, it is not frivoulous, it is not a jesture, it has the weight of trial and tribulation and souls on it. Yes Lord I comprehend.
Faith is an action, it doesn't end in a hard time, it begins there. It envelopes the Gospel, and lives out a love for Christ that seeps from comprehension. So while some delve into theries and beliefs that Christains are unmarred by any hardships and that if we are of God. that we live worryfree, and financially blessed, I find, thats not the Journey I have walked at all, and in the journey I am seeing an inkling of what Jesus felt, I am comprehending Faith in a whole new light, I am leaving behind, krispy kremes and scented bath soaps, and carrying only my sandals.. Somedays i struggle because I have developed blisters on my feet in the walk,that I am tired and sore and dirty,but I also know, this is the walk he asked me to walk, he asked me to understand,he asked me to pursue, and I said Yes, and the ironocy is- today, knowing all I know, of sacrifice and loss, I would  still chose the sandals and the cross, and the closeness of comprehending, to the smallest degree, that I am indeed, being crucified with Christ. That my faith is forged by fire, and not because He wants me to suffer, but because he wants me to grow into being more LIKE HIM.
Beautiful Savior.

Bigger

I was 17 when I first felt called by God, which is not exactly the first time I felt impressed of calling, but it was the first clear cut understanding.  I remember as a little girl feeling Him near me as I went about singing unto the heavens. 20 some odd years further down the road and  three children fully grown and a divorce  later,  I questioned, how can God use me? I still felt that calling, but knew only God could make something of His ragamuffin girl. It seemed impossible, yet he tugged at me so earnestly and  so unrelentingly. I can only express it as a feeling of being  pulled magnetically towards His heart and purposing. 


Discouragement has a nasty way of pulling us in other directions and hampering us.  I looked at what seemed impossible odds. I was fighting off a devastating illness that threatened again and again to take my life. I had ventured into my first real relationship after the divorce with a very kind man, but a man not meant for me. So I walked away from the relationship with an aching heart, but one determined to follow Gods leading whatever the cost.


Nearing the end of a period of time God had told me to wait on Him for direction as each day passed, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. My lease was coming to an end. I needed an answer, stay,  go, what God?


As the final hours of that final day began to fade into the night my prayers reached a frustrated pitch. Sitting on my couch, four walls resounding, I prayed loud, hard and in earnest. Where  are you at God? Help me Lord! Answer me Lord! You Promised! 
The computer screen sat in an open stance on a christian chat line I often visited and counseled and prayed  for others. But today I  had no real interest for it. It was on out of habit, but provided little distraction for my weary heart.


Many times God has answered my prayer, and so directly I could not doubt him. Yet in these moments as they steadily counted down I was  beginning to fear that I would not hear from Him at all. In that, I also feared maybe I did not hear Him right in the first place.  Doubts swarmed about me, attacking my thoughts. Every time I tried to squelch it, the dead silence seemed to confirm my apprehensions.


I remember for instance, a time when  my friend Jana and I had prayed over a letter the Doctor had signed on my behalf. The letter was asking for my retirement to be allotted to me early so that I could live on it and be helped through times of illness. My lawyers shook their heads and told me, "Tara, it won't happen, your wasting your time, they just don't do that." Never-the-less, I sealed the envelope, touched it with annointing oil and sent it prayerfully on its way. A few weeks later a signed parcel came to me saying it was agreed I could have the retirement money. 
My God is BIGGER than wisened lawyers, BIGGER than law, litigation and man made regulations.


Another time prior to that event, I was in a tight financial fix. Money I had lived on sparingly was running out. The $7.50 an hour I got for work was not enough to pay the rent and the car payment owed at the first of each month. I little knew what I would do. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I  prayed.  I needed  $900.00 and I little knew where it would come from having already borrowed money from my parents to pay for lawyers fees. Owing them that, I would not borrow from them again. I was seemingly up a creek with out a paddle. I opened the mailbox on the 30th of the month and inside it was a $900.00 plus refund, and friend, I had no reason to receive one. It was more than enough to pay my house payment, and my car payment with a dollar remaining for a treat from Mc Donnalds to celebrate. 
My God is BIGGER than my finances and He is able to provide for my needs.


Oh yes, I knew God answered prayer. But as the tears of stress and weariness came, and the feeling of being left alone in an hour of need presided, I cried out to God in utter frustration. "God! I am done, I am finished, you promised to answer me and you haven't answered me! I Give up! I give up! I give up! " I screamed aloud and it echoed through the walls of my empty house. 
In that very instant as I breathed the last angry words, my computer dinged.
Someone was sending me an instant message. I half laughed in mockery, "Great, some quack wanting to hit on me, Yay." But it wasn't. A timid writer said "Hello"  I waited. He began to praise God, and I hate to admit this, but in that moment I wasn't in the mood for Mr. Bubbly. So as he finished his litany of praise, I said, "Ok, Glad you got your praise on, is there something you wanted to say to me?" Sarcasm laced the words. I was tired, mad and not really in the mood for warm fuzzies. The cursor blinked .....  I waited..... After what seemed like forever the person responded. "Well,  I was praying and God told me to get on the computer, so I did. And then He told me to get on the chat, which I don't do much, but I did."  Okkkkkk, I am thinking, flake.  
"Then He told me to scroll the names, so I did. Then He told me to stop on you, so I did."
Mmmm. Something in my Spirit jumped. I leaned forward, instinctively watching closer. What Goes God? He again waited. And due to lack of patience, I prompted him, "Is there something you wish to say to me?" It was a tad sarcastic, but you cant see that on the computer thank the Lord. "Yes," he said. "Understand that I don't know you and I don't know why God is telling me this." "Ok" I said, a little annoyed at the his slow typing. "Well, I don't understand why He is saying this, but He says. Don't give up, Don't give up, Don't give up!" 


I burst out in sobs. Pure, wrenching sobs. Not another living soul knew my prayers to the Lord that day. No one heard me but my walls and God. As the fellow went on, he unraveled all the things I had said to God, and then began to state what God told Him.
In a brief time God had answered my prayers for direction using the pokey hands of  a total stranger, click clacking away in his corner of the world in I believe Missouri. He knew nothing of me or of my circumstance., We had never before spoken, and never have since. God is BIGGER than how much we believe, and God is an on time God.


I don't understand why it can be at the last hour or the last day. I don't try to. I only know, that He is faithful to answer us, Faithful to hear us, and faithful to direct us.


Lately  Rob and I have journeyed a rough road. A road fraught with disappointments. Tests on our endurance and faith have abounded.  I have seen finances drained while  our needs increased profoundly, yet all I know at the bottom line is this. In every hour whether last or first, GOD IS FAITHFUL. He has not ever left us stranded or alone. Never lost to what we go through. NO NOT EVER. He is there in the mid-nights of our life, listening and even responding in ways we never thought possible nor could we comprehend, because that is our God. He's BIGGER than our understanding.  BIGGER than our issues. BIGGER than our enemies. BIGGER than our resources. BIGGER than even our own plans and dreams. He is a GREAT BIG WONDERFUL GOD and He hears you. I promise Lovie, HE does..