Little Miss Ruth sits fixedly at the organ, (as memories serves me ) she sways back and forth in a childlike movement, as her joyful bubbly heart plays and hits an occasional off note unoticed.
Pastor Tim shuffles paper work readying for worship service, making an occasional wise crack, as the worhip team laughs at his disorganized attempt at organization. I am slightly dishievedled, hours of crying have made my eyes puffy, but no one asks why. They already know.
During that week, I slept at a friends house keys to their door tucked in my pocket. The previous week Mrs Shirley bounced on my make shift bed,pulled the covers off of my head, and told me to get up.Re-inforcing her stance by informing me she would not leave until I did. I got up. I faced the day, and the next and the next, as my friends, my family in God, came together and loved me through-Divorce.
This small church, spent hours at pot lucks laughing and loving one another, we knew each others buisness and fumbled about trying to help however we could. When someones refridgerator died,a love offering was made to get them a new one. When the heat was threatening to be cut off, in the dead of a Wyoming winter, 20 saints of God put their funds together and made the payment to keep it on. When someone was sick, those same 20 saints, made meals enough to feed a family until the person was well recovered, and made sure the family had plenty to spare.
These are my memories of a small church, where when you cried you were surrounded by tissues and hugs, and you did not suffer through a hard place alone.
Since then I have gone to a number of larger churches, and one so large that it virtually had a countdown on wide screen to worship, it made me feel as though I was on an awkward cold rocket ship where if I fell off into space, no one would even notice one less soul.
I went to a big church, where they had all the modern convieninces, lights , cameras , action- an attitude of perfection and performance were expected, but what was not there was compassion. No, in fact when Rj and I fell short of finances and couldn't pay our 6oo plus dollar electric bill, they called and offered to pay half, and I could work for them to pay it back. I cleaned the church for weeks, and then carried trees, and I do mean "TREES" uphill in the sweltering Tennessee sun to throw in a pile. I felt as little accepted there as anywhere I had ever been, knowing from day one, I had been eyed suspiciously as a threat.(being a woman and a preacher, somehow equals threat) I had been tagged with a rather unkind and unfavorable mindset ( as all women with an understanding of who they are in Christ could also be deemed in this body,a possible Jezebel) and in the process I tried to love people who treated me anything but loving through it. It was a big "Who will be Who in Whoville" church with a small Grinchlike heart.
I have watched as friends in big churches have struggled with finances pro-longed illness causing them to get behind, and even as a long time member of the body- where no help wasg was offered them outside a prayer.
I have gone through a series of loss myself, and in the midst of one of the hardest trials in faith I have known,to minister in TN, and yet- did not even recieve a phone call.
My heart longs for the small church family kind of compassion, still moving in the big church. The place where you can not only feel welcome but truly cared for.When your ill, people are bustling about trying to see what they can do to help you.When your struck by a need there are folks trying to help you through it if in no other way than a warm enfolding hug and a cup of coffee.
It seems we have lost our way- we have opted for easy outs, and selfish motives, and we have closed our hearts to one another out of being "Just To Busy" people have become little more than a blip on our church sonar-and the crazy thing is we face the end times , and we should be wise enough to know that we need each others talents and skills, we need each other to strengthen and endure- yet we live and exist with the very distance the devil himself would hope for! Because to divide us is in anyway IS to conquer us.
See the family of God should knit together in ways a three strand cord of rope should knit us, that cord should be nearly inpenitrable.So much so that when trial and torment comes to the church itself we will be all in this net , this weave of faith, together. Unshakeable and unbroken.
Instead, we have built foundations around rock and mortar, rather than around souls.We have looked at whats "New" and whats "IN" and considered these church builders, rather than caring for one anothers souls, and how best to do that.
I long for a "Family" in God that understands each other, cries with one another, helps one another, lifts, builds and occasionally even carries one another, like the sheperds of a flock each one being a preist towards the other, because that is in essence what we are called to do.
What I crave is, genuiness- not just in how we are towards one another but in our passion and love for Christ, and thinking on that, I suppose genuineness and passion for God would in essence overflow into those things, or should.
And if I cant see it where I go I have decided to build it where I am, because we as true believers should be rope makers. Intent on forming cords that can't be broken, and I am making that a goal. If my family wont come to me, then I will come to my family, because someone has got to realize along the way, that babies it is not what we build in finance or in status, or even bricks and mortar that matters, its souls, Souls matter.
We are family- You matter to me, I just wanted to say that.
In Love, In Christ-
Sissy
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Manna-fest! God our provider.
I stood out side my little red vibe cram packed with items precious only to me, clothing, old towels, a little bedding, odd and ends nick-nacks, and a sparse collection of Christmas decor. I had spent hours dividing and trying to be fair, offering the best of what had been my life to my soon to be x husband, and venturing into what I fearfully dreaded- that great unknown where it was just me, and Jesus.
Somewhere in the process half the decor disappeared, a huge portion of utensils all eaten apparently by the infamous sock monster who also had an unknown penchant for cute boots. I unpacked and life day by day, became a learning process anew, economizing on a small( mmm, nix that replace it with pathetic) budget. There were times I wept myself to sleep, a lot of times. There were days on end where no voice spoke to me,and months before I felt the embrace of another human being. And it was indeed,just Jesus and me.
I grew so much in that place, leaned in, learned to depend on God,found out I was stronger than I thought, experienced joys I had no idea could come from things so simple. I had almost died, literally in that place, and God restored me. I had seen that even with the little I had, life was a gift, and I had opted,to embrace it.
I am once again at a place where all I own will need to fit neatly in a little red car. All my husband Rj owns as well. In some ways it is almost numbing, facing that- I no longer know if I am resolved to it, or if its simply I see, I am back to square one, Jesus and me(.:) and RJ)
In this place I have learned things indescribable, heard Gods voice so discernibly I stay in awe. I Know who takes care of me. Who keeps me, holds me even more than the wonderful warmth of a human hand I now have to hold. because I am fully aware If not for my Jesus- and his healing touch, I would not be here to hold it.
Seasons of life come and go- and hardships hit some while missing others completely, and yes I wonder why that is.But I also Trust, its up for God to discern and dicide where my life will be tomorrow, I only know- I am His.
Today my husband worked on what can only be considered a mansion,its massive walls overlooking a mountain ridge, I sat outside its pristine lawns and thought how odd,that some could be so blessed and be blissfully unaware, while I am not in worldly terms blessed but an aware to the core that I am blessed beyond comprehension.
For whatever reasons God has me in a place, I don't always understand it,nor do I continuously want to be in it- but HE has kept me here, for his reasons.So each days need is rationed out in just enough sized portions, I strive for no more, and get no less.
To those high powered prosperity thinkers I am a hopeless individual, who has "done something" to be in such a place of hardship.
But I am reminded of a group of people who followed a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day, who had to take each days portion with humility, who drank of the wells God gave and ate from the provision he handed them in the fields. They could strive for more, gather their goods in fear, and store loaves of manna by the dozen, but it turned to worms and sod, because that was not the provision God had allowed.
Some days beloved, God speaks to me about matters of the heart, about the kind of people He wants to see, the kind that seeks HIM unswerved by what happens.The kind that rely and trust in him fully.the kind that know humility and desire all of God there is.
Maybe that describes you to a "T" Maybe you have been wandering a dessert where all your reliance was on God, and none of these prosperity teachings seemed to even come close to you. Oh not because you lacked faith that God couldn't prosper you but maybe you, like me, knew that it was more important to Touch the feet of God with your tears,and adore him with your worship- than it was to put things that will corrupt ( for so much of belief is formed in trusting money and gathering possessions to show Gods favor, when in fact Money was the least thing God told believers to chase after!) We are made to chase Him, not stuff not things that corrupt or turn to Dust! Him. Our MANNA. Our life sustaining promise , our fulfillment from day to day- our Everything that makes all other things look like- well Nothing.
Today God gives you manna, not a pile of manna , not a stockpile of manna, because HE is our life sustain-er, and our provider. Without His presence leading and guiding, babies all the boats, and toys and such are like a loose ball in a pin ball machine, you ping against this ( yay New Boat), and think it will make you happy, and you ping against that ( wahoo spending spree) and none of those things actually really do fulfill you, its when you find the exact right place, where humility and need meet praise and presence, that Manna comes from heaven and feeds you once again..
Jesus, Jesus, very bread of life, fill me, keep me, and stay near me , my beautiful provider, my manna.
Amen.
Somewhere in the process half the decor disappeared, a huge portion of utensils all eaten apparently by the infamous sock monster who also had an unknown penchant for cute boots. I unpacked and life day by day, became a learning process anew, economizing on a small( mmm, nix that replace it with pathetic) budget. There were times I wept myself to sleep, a lot of times. There were days on end where no voice spoke to me,and months before I felt the embrace of another human being. And it was indeed,just Jesus and me.
I grew so much in that place, leaned in, learned to depend on God,found out I was stronger than I thought, experienced joys I had no idea could come from things so simple. I had almost died, literally in that place, and God restored me. I had seen that even with the little I had, life was a gift, and I had opted,to embrace it.
I am once again at a place where all I own will need to fit neatly in a little red car. All my husband Rj owns as well. In some ways it is almost numbing, facing that- I no longer know if I am resolved to it, or if its simply I see, I am back to square one, Jesus and me(.:) and RJ)
In this place I have learned things indescribable, heard Gods voice so discernibly I stay in awe. I Know who takes care of me. Who keeps me, holds me even more than the wonderful warmth of a human hand I now have to hold. because I am fully aware If not for my Jesus- and his healing touch, I would not be here to hold it.
Seasons of life come and go- and hardships hit some while missing others completely, and yes I wonder why that is.But I also Trust, its up for God to discern and dicide where my life will be tomorrow, I only know- I am His.
Today my husband worked on what can only be considered a mansion,its massive walls overlooking a mountain ridge, I sat outside its pristine lawns and thought how odd,that some could be so blessed and be blissfully unaware, while I am not in worldly terms blessed but an aware to the core that I am blessed beyond comprehension.
For whatever reasons God has me in a place, I don't always understand it,nor do I continuously want to be in it- but HE has kept me here, for his reasons.So each days need is rationed out in just enough sized portions, I strive for no more, and get no less.
To those high powered prosperity thinkers I am a hopeless individual, who has "done something" to be in such a place of hardship.
But I am reminded of a group of people who followed a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day, who had to take each days portion with humility, who drank of the wells God gave and ate from the provision he handed them in the fields. They could strive for more, gather their goods in fear, and store loaves of manna by the dozen, but it turned to worms and sod, because that was not the provision God had allowed.
Some days beloved, God speaks to me about matters of the heart, about the kind of people He wants to see, the kind that seeks HIM unswerved by what happens.The kind that rely and trust in him fully.the kind that know humility and desire all of God there is.
Maybe that describes you to a "T" Maybe you have been wandering a dessert where all your reliance was on God, and none of these prosperity teachings seemed to even come close to you. Oh not because you lacked faith that God couldn't prosper you but maybe you, like me, knew that it was more important to Touch the feet of God with your tears,and adore him with your worship- than it was to put things that will corrupt ( for so much of belief is formed in trusting money and gathering possessions to show Gods favor, when in fact Money was the least thing God told believers to chase after!) We are made to chase Him, not stuff not things that corrupt or turn to Dust! Him. Our MANNA. Our life sustaining promise , our fulfillment from day to day- our Everything that makes all other things look like- well Nothing.
Today God gives you manna, not a pile of manna , not a stockpile of manna, because HE is our life sustain-er, and our provider. Without His presence leading and guiding, babies all the boats, and toys and such are like a loose ball in a pin ball machine, you ping against this ( yay New Boat), and think it will make you happy, and you ping against that ( wahoo spending spree) and none of those things actually really do fulfill you, its when you find the exact right place, where humility and need meet praise and presence, that Manna comes from heaven and feeds you once again..
Jesus, Jesus, very bread of life, fill me, keep me, and stay near me , my beautiful provider, my manna.
Amen.
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