I stood out side my little red vibe cram packed with items precious only to me, clothing, old towels, a little bedding, odd and ends nick-nacks, and a sparse collection of Christmas decor. I had spent hours dividing and trying to be fair, offering the best of what had been my life to my soon to be x husband, and venturing into what I fearfully dreaded- that great unknown where it was just me, and Jesus.
Somewhere in the process half the decor disappeared, a huge portion of utensils all eaten apparently by the infamous sock monster who also had an unknown penchant for cute boots. I unpacked and life day by day, became a learning process anew, economizing on a small( mmm, nix that replace it with pathetic) budget. There were times I wept myself to sleep, a lot of times. There were days on end where no voice spoke to me,and months before I felt the embrace of another human being. And it was indeed,just Jesus and me.
I grew so much in that place, leaned in, learned to depend on God,found out I was stronger than I thought, experienced joys I had no idea could come from things so simple. I had almost died, literally in that place, and God restored me. I had seen that even with the little I had, life was a gift, and I had opted,to embrace it.
I am once again at a place where all I own will need to fit neatly in a little red car. All my husband Rj owns as well. In some ways it is almost numbing, facing that- I no longer know if I am resolved to it, or if its simply I see, I am back to square one, Jesus and me(.:) and RJ)
In this place I have learned things indescribable, heard Gods voice so discernibly I stay in awe. I Know who takes care of me. Who keeps me, holds me even more than the wonderful warmth of a human hand I now have to hold. because I am fully aware If not for my Jesus- and his healing touch, I would not be here to hold it.
Seasons of life come and go- and hardships hit some while missing others completely, and yes I wonder why that is.But I also Trust, its up for God to discern and dicide where my life will be tomorrow, I only know- I am His.
Today my husband worked on what can only be considered a mansion,its massive walls overlooking a mountain ridge, I sat outside its pristine lawns and thought how odd,that some could be so blessed and be blissfully unaware, while I am not in worldly terms blessed but an aware to the core that I am blessed beyond comprehension.
For whatever reasons God has me in a place, I don't always understand it,nor do I continuously want to be in it- but HE has kept me here, for his reasons.So each days need is rationed out in just enough sized portions, I strive for no more, and get no less.
To those high powered prosperity thinkers I am a hopeless individual, who has "done something" to be in such a place of hardship.
But I am reminded of a group of people who followed a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day, who had to take each days portion with humility, who drank of the wells God gave and ate from the provision he handed them in the fields. They could strive for more, gather their goods in fear, and store loaves of manna by the dozen, but it turned to worms and sod, because that was not the provision God had allowed.
Some days beloved, God speaks to me about matters of the heart, about the kind of people He wants to see, the kind that seeks HIM unswerved by what happens.The kind that rely and trust in him fully.the kind that know humility and desire all of God there is.
Maybe that describes you to a "T" Maybe you have been wandering a dessert where all your reliance was on God, and none of these prosperity teachings seemed to even come close to you. Oh not because you lacked faith that God couldn't prosper you but maybe you, like me, knew that it was more important to Touch the feet of God with your tears,and adore him with your worship- than it was to put things that will corrupt ( for so much of belief is formed in trusting money and gathering possessions to show Gods favor, when in fact Money was the least thing God told believers to chase after!) We are made to chase Him, not stuff not things that corrupt or turn to Dust! Him. Our MANNA. Our life sustaining promise , our fulfillment from day to day- our Everything that makes all other things look like- well Nothing.
Today God gives you manna, not a pile of manna , not a stockpile of manna, because HE is our life sustain-er, and our provider. Without His presence leading and guiding, babies all the boats, and toys and such are like a loose ball in a pin ball machine, you ping against this ( yay New Boat), and think it will make you happy, and you ping against that ( wahoo spending spree) and none of those things actually really do fulfill you, its when you find the exact right place, where humility and need meet praise and presence, that Manna comes from heaven and feeds you once again..
Jesus, Jesus, very bread of life, fill me, keep me, and stay near me , my beautiful provider, my manna.
Amen.
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