The Me I see

Yesterday Eve I drove home my heart heavy with concerns known only to me. I had been to church and  asked for prayer over them, and felt some peace in so doing, but still there were some things weighing at me. I wept before God and prayed. I had already had a full day of bringing  myself to Gods footstool and my restlessness was compounded by a distance I felt in my heart in hearing  any response.
 The house seemed lonely and still  and I was weary from tears and a need to hear Gods voice.
The phone rang. Daddy inquiring if I had made the thirty minute drive home safely. Which of course I had. What came after was Gods voice to his hungry child through my parents, as we spoke for two hours on the phone.
It is ironic how God uses the simple things to confound the wise, and in the midst of talking to them I was finding some healing and some much needed peace.

Once upon a time I was a Godly girl, oh I still am, but now I am a different kind of Godly girl, one who fully comprehends the grace I am under. That girl of the past, weighed her life by her actions and how they were seen by others, she didn't know she did that, but, she did.
And, through tragedy, she had an epiphany. She was not perfect, not  an example, and NOT extending Grace. Yup, that was me.
You see through heartache and loss I lost myself. utterly to be truthful, thank God.
I took a hard look into the mirror God set before me. a Very hard look, and even though for years I had cast an image of Christianity I felt portrayed me, it really didn't. God showed me that when I came before him repentive, suddenly the image got real. I had been judgemental, hurtful, spiteful, ugly even, my deeds and  my heart had been Un- Christ like.
Wow was that painful. Wow was that beautiful to. Beautiful because I could see it, painful, because I could see it.
As I spoke to my parents, I was reminded of something( Thank You Lord) and that was God has brought me restoration. Lest I forget I need to be real with she who looks into the mirror.
You see we spoke on someone who had  once been in my life, who has fallen into a life long  struggle of addiction and self loathing.. I realized there was no pain in the recollection of them, no anger, no hurt, just calm peace and sorrow at their  destruction..
And, to be honest, I could loath them equally as they had loathed themselves as they had caused great pain, but because God set a mirror  before me  I can see a soul, theirs, and mine.
 Now then, I need to glance again at the reflection, who is in there?
Well, lol, not someone I was liking at the moment, not because I forgot grace yet again, but because I needed to remember from whence I had come.
I needed to remember what God has given me. What  He has restored to  me and how important all that is.
I can recall with clarity lovies every pain ever inflicted but it will never do a single bit of good, because the truth is, I need to let go.
I need to let go of things destructive for they serve NO purpose and only embitter and harm me. I need to let go of selfish actions, and bad behaviors that smudge the image of the girl before God, I need to let go of heartache and loss to, it doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is that when I look in the mirror I see Gods reflection in me.
One that can forgive others, One that can forgive myself, One that can love, and one that can Overcome. I need to see - Me.
I need to see me in the true light of God, not a smudged image I like to pretend is me, as though  I am a young  skinny supermodel looking back.. When the real me, is chubby and frankly getting old. The real me has some issues she needs to work through.
Here's the thing. I can look back at my past and  at the things that have decidedly made me , me. And I can hate the becoming, or I can learn to adjust my thinking to love it so long as the image merges with truth.
 My recollections of what others have done like the person I pity, need not mar me. But I do, need to thank God  that I desire to see into the mirror.
Because the one who doesn't is truly most miserable, unforgiving, and lost. the one who refuses to see who they are before God, is destitute and desperately so.
Not gonna lie seeing me in the mirror as I truly am, can be ultra painful at times. I don't like it, I can look so ugly. But I have got to keep coming back, got to. I have got to let God clean up that image, by staring into it and seeing it- so that when it's done the reality it carves out looks like Jesus, not me.
Not my flesh, not my ache, not my nonsense, but Gods perfect indwelling peaceful image.
So here I am Lord scraping off the layers and giving me back to you. Don't let me pretend, don't let me bury hurt, don't let me hide in an image not of you,  Because Lord, I don't like that person, I want to be in your likeness. help me God, to SEE more and more of  you in Me. Amen, and forever Amen.