Bigger

I was 17 when I first felt called by God, which is not exactly the first time I felt impressed of calling, but it was the first clear cut understanding.  I remember as a little girl feeling Him near me as I went about singing unto the heavens. 20 some odd years further down the road and  three children fully grown and a divorce  later,  I questioned, how can God use me? I still felt that calling, but knew only God could make something of His ragamuffin girl. It seemed impossible, yet he tugged at me so earnestly and  so unrelentingly. I can only express it as a feeling of being  pulled magnetically towards His heart and purposing. 


Discouragement has a nasty way of pulling us in other directions and hampering us.  I looked at what seemed impossible odds. I was fighting off a devastating illness that threatened again and again to take my life. I had ventured into my first real relationship after the divorce with a very kind man, but a man not meant for me. So I walked away from the relationship with an aching heart, but one determined to follow Gods leading whatever the cost.


Nearing the end of a period of time God had told me to wait on Him for direction as each day passed, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. My lease was coming to an end. I needed an answer, stay,  go, what God?


As the final hours of that final day began to fade into the night my prayers reached a frustrated pitch. Sitting on my couch, four walls resounding, I prayed loud, hard and in earnest. Where  are you at God? Help me Lord! Answer me Lord! You Promised! 
The computer screen sat in an open stance on a christian chat line I often visited and counseled and prayed  for others. But today I  had no real interest for it. It was on out of habit, but provided little distraction for my weary heart.


Many times God has answered my prayer, and so directly I could not doubt him. Yet in these moments as they steadily counted down I was  beginning to fear that I would not hear from Him at all. In that, I also feared maybe I did not hear Him right in the first place.  Doubts swarmed about me, attacking my thoughts. Every time I tried to squelch it, the dead silence seemed to confirm my apprehensions.


I remember for instance, a time when  my friend Jana and I had prayed over a letter the Doctor had signed on my behalf. The letter was asking for my retirement to be allotted to me early so that I could live on it and be helped through times of illness. My lawyers shook their heads and told me, "Tara, it won't happen, your wasting your time, they just don't do that." Never-the-less, I sealed the envelope, touched it with annointing oil and sent it prayerfully on its way. A few weeks later a signed parcel came to me saying it was agreed I could have the retirement money. 
My God is BIGGER than wisened lawyers, BIGGER than law, litigation and man made regulations.


Another time prior to that event, I was in a tight financial fix. Money I had lived on sparingly was running out. The $7.50 an hour I got for work was not enough to pay the rent and the car payment owed at the first of each month. I little knew what I would do. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I  prayed.  I needed  $900.00 and I little knew where it would come from having already borrowed money from my parents to pay for lawyers fees. Owing them that, I would not borrow from them again. I was seemingly up a creek with out a paddle. I opened the mailbox on the 30th of the month and inside it was a $900.00 plus refund, and friend, I had no reason to receive one. It was more than enough to pay my house payment, and my car payment with a dollar remaining for a treat from Mc Donnalds to celebrate. 
My God is BIGGER than my finances and He is able to provide for my needs.


Oh yes, I knew God answered prayer. But as the tears of stress and weariness came, and the feeling of being left alone in an hour of need presided, I cried out to God in utter frustration. "God! I am done, I am finished, you promised to answer me and you haven't answered me! I Give up! I give up! I give up! " I screamed aloud and it echoed through the walls of my empty house. 
In that very instant as I breathed the last angry words, my computer dinged.
Someone was sending me an instant message. I half laughed in mockery, "Great, some quack wanting to hit on me, Yay." But it wasn't. A timid writer said "Hello"  I waited. He began to praise God, and I hate to admit this, but in that moment I wasn't in the mood for Mr. Bubbly. So as he finished his litany of praise, I said, "Ok, Glad you got your praise on, is there something you wanted to say to me?" Sarcasm laced the words. I was tired, mad and not really in the mood for warm fuzzies. The cursor blinked .....  I waited..... After what seemed like forever the person responded. "Well,  I was praying and God told me to get on the computer, so I did. And then He told me to get on the chat, which I don't do much, but I did."  Okkkkkk, I am thinking, flake.  
"Then He told me to scroll the names, so I did. Then He told me to stop on you, so I did."
Mmmm. Something in my Spirit jumped. I leaned forward, instinctively watching closer. What Goes God? He again waited. And due to lack of patience, I prompted him, "Is there something you wish to say to me?" It was a tad sarcastic, but you cant see that on the computer thank the Lord. "Yes," he said. "Understand that I don't know you and I don't know why God is telling me this." "Ok" I said, a little annoyed at the his slow typing. "Well, I don't understand why He is saying this, but He says. Don't give up, Don't give up, Don't give up!" 


I burst out in sobs. Pure, wrenching sobs. Not another living soul knew my prayers to the Lord that day. No one heard me but my walls and God. As the fellow went on, he unraveled all the things I had said to God, and then began to state what God told Him.
In a brief time God had answered my prayers for direction using the pokey hands of  a total stranger, click clacking away in his corner of the world in I believe Missouri. He knew nothing of me or of my circumstance., We had never before spoken, and never have since. God is BIGGER than how much we believe, and God is an on time God.


I don't understand why it can be at the last hour or the last day. I don't try to. I only know, that He is faithful to answer us, Faithful to hear us, and faithful to direct us.


Lately  Rob and I have journeyed a rough road. A road fraught with disappointments. Tests on our endurance and faith have abounded.  I have seen finances drained while  our needs increased profoundly, yet all I know at the bottom line is this. In every hour whether last or first, GOD IS FAITHFUL. He has not ever left us stranded or alone. Never lost to what we go through. NO NOT EVER. He is there in the mid-nights of our life, listening and even responding in ways we never thought possible nor could we comprehend, because that is our God. He's BIGGER than our understanding.  BIGGER than our issues. BIGGER than our enemies. BIGGER than our resources. BIGGER than even our own plans and dreams. He is a GREAT BIG WONDERFUL GOD and He hears you. I promise Lovie, HE does..